Grief is a Big Word
Part One…
Grief is a big word. Grief is pain. There is grief when someone dies, there is grief when someone loses a person they love who is alive. It exists, it’s real. My situation is the loss of children who do not want me in their lives. I have no clue as to why, what happened, what I did or what I didn’t do. Not only losing my children, but we (my husband and I) also lost our grandchildren, children who we were very close to and had amazing relationships. This happened in a time span of 15 minutes…everything is fine to “you are not coming here.” We have wondered, with broken hearts, what in the world was so bad that they took us out like last week’s garbage. We are not garbage and nothing we have ever done makes us garbage. We have felt unnecessary, unwanted, unloved, insignificant and unworthy. However, we finally found a miniscule drop of peace most days. It has taken more than 5 years, but we know we are important, loved, wanted, worthy and necessary if only to eachother. It went from “can’t wait” to “stop.” We were on our way to have dinner with the grandchildren and their parents when got a phone call to not come. It didn’t turn out to be just that one visit, it turned out to be a life changing moment and choice my daughter made.
Several months after, we stopped at my mother’s house and they were there. My husband asked if I was sure I wanted to stop? I was sure even though I knew it would make the pain as fresh as day one. My granddaughter ran to us and said, “shhh. My mama said you are a very, very bad person and said I can’t call you Papi and Gammy any more. Shhh. I will get in bad trouble if mama sees me talking to you.” I literally died at that moment. At this time, I was told I was not wanted, to stay away, to never contact them, and, especially, the grandchildren.” The one that blew us away was, “you aren’t allowed to take them to the restroom either.” Wow, did my child just say she didn’t trust us to take them to the restroom when we had taken care of them on several occasions and stayed almost every weekend visiting. I could not have hurt any more than I did at that moment and several other number of things throughout the last 5 years…I don’t even know what my grandchildren look like. My grief is the loss of my estranged children, people who I gave birth to and the people who I gave live to tells me they no longer want or care to see or be around me. It’s really hard to maneuver through each day, hearing over and over what my grandchild told me.
Months later, having it no other way, I bought the grandchildren Christmas presents and, like most grandparents, I went overboard, which is beside the point. I got word to my daughter that I was leaving the gifts at the front door. The message that came back to me was, “if you leave those presents at my house, I will set them in the middle of the road.” Those gifts were given to a charity collecting toys for Christmas.
I often wonder how this has impacted the oldest grandchild. There were pictures of us in her house and suddenly they are taken down. We are there like clockwork and suddenly we are gone. My grandchildren will never think differently than what their mother told them. She planted a seed with roots that will last my life time.
